|
|
Post by MO on Jun 13, 2004 21:22:33 GMT -5
This is the thread for your snacks, drinking, chit-chat, jokes, humor and pleasantries with other members of the board.  Why Dogs Don’t Use Computers 20. Can’t stick their heads out of Windows ’95. 19. Fetch command not available on all platforms. 18. Hard to read the monitor with your head *censoreded to one side. 17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit. 16. Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear "You’ve Got Mail." 15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating. 14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working. 13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee. 12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver. 11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging. 10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb. 9.Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome 8. ’Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand... 7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software. 6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test. 5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question! 4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever. 3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master’s.leg. 2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms. 1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. * ( * 1. Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws |
|
|
|
Post by SouthMoGran on Jun 14, 2004 7:55:01 GMT -5
Good Morning!  |
|
|
|
Post by MO on Jun 14, 2004 9:16:16 GMT -5
Good morning SouthMoGran! Two Arabs boarded a flight out of New York after a hockey game. One sat in the window seat and the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American got on and took the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arabs in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a beer." "No problem," said the American, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it. When the American returned to his seat, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes, and pissing in beers?" |
|
|
|
Post by SouthMoGran on Jun 14, 2004 12:43:26 GMT -5
What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman? You can drop her off anywhere. What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with? Whatever she wants. He's sleeping. Where does virgin wool come from? Ugly sheep. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony? It isn't hard. How can you make your wife mad while making love? Call her from your cell phone. What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her wedding night? ... His last name. What's the down side to a threesome? You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one. How do you know you're really ugly? Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg. Why are hurricanes named after women? Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.  |
|
|
|
Post by MO on Jun 14, 2004 13:53:37 GMT -5
;D They are hysterical!
Once upon a time there was a child ready to be born. The child asked God,
"They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to
live there being so small and helpless?"
>>
God replied, "Among the angels, I'll choose one for you. Your angel will
be waiting for you and will take care of you."
>>
The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to
do anything but sing and smile to be happy."
>>
God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you every
day. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."
>>
Again the child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when
people talk to me if I don't know the language?"
>>
God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words
you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach
you how to speak."
>>
"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?" God said, "Your
angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray."
>>
"I've heard that on Earth there are bad people.Who will protect me?"
>>
God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life."
>>
"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore." God said,
"Your angel will always talk to you about me and will teach you the way to
come back to me, even though I will always be next to you."
>>
At that moment there was much peace in heaven, but voices from Earth
could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now,
please tell me my angel's name."
>>
Her name is not important. You will simply call her "Grandma".
|
|
|
|
Post by SouthMoGran on Jun 14, 2004 14:53:47 GMT -5
 Oh I love it! Thanks, MO!
|
|
|
|
Post by lordjulius7 on Jun 14, 2004 15:47:43 GMT -5
Two sausages are in a frying pan :
First sausage : "Hot in here, isn't it?"
Second sausage : "Eek! A talking sausage!"
|
|
|
|
Post by RC364 on Jun 15, 2004 0:52:07 GMT -5
Well, I didn't want to make my first post in the bar, but here I am!
|
|
|
|
Post by MO on Jun 15, 2004 1:06:07 GMT -5
You made it! Welcome! ;D |
|
|
|
Post by SouthMoGran on Jun 16, 2004 14:01:22 GMT -5
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to
get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me,
and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me,
and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was
twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.She would
regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her
underwear. It had to be Deliberate. She never did it when she was near
anyone else.One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check
the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that
she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.She told me that
she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed
my life to her sister.I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She
said, I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it
just come up and get me."I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched
her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties
and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then
turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped
out of the house.I walked straight towards my car.My future father-in-law
was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We
are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is.......
Always keep your condoms in your car!
;D
|
|
|
|
Post by MO on Jun 16, 2004 14:08:32 GMT -5
That would be what would happen!  |
|
|
|
Post by MO on Jun 16, 2004 14:20:18 GMT -5
Why is a beer better than a man?
If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
|
|
|
|
Post by scummybear on Jun 16, 2004 14:53:22 GMT -5
ha ha  |
|
|
|
Post by lordjulius7 on Jun 16, 2004 14:53:36 GMT -5
Why is a beer better than a woman?
A beer doesn't mind if you come home smelling of beer.
|
|
|
|
Post by scummybear on Jun 16, 2004 14:54:32 GMT -5
;D
|
|
Oh I love it! Thanks, MO!
