Rantweb Diocese Headquarters

[Archbishop Johnson]

Welcome to the Waiting Room at the Headquarters of Rantweb ArchBishops.



For your convenience, please choose from one of the following options:



~ To File a Salvation Report, enter '777' at the top of your post followed by the Salvee's Name.


~ To request Prayer Support, simply enter 'Ezekiel Is Not a Book of the Bible'.


~ To apply for Sheep Status, enter "Cuddly White, Pure And Bright" at the top of your post.


~ To make a spiritual inquiry, enter '12HolyStones' at the top of your post, followed by your question.


~ To repent of Goat Status, enter 'RebukeTheDevourer' at the top of your post.


~ To appeal a Holy Curse leveled against you by Abbot Wood, please enter 'JesusIsLordandI'mRepublican' at the top of your post. We shall get back to you within two business days.


~ To request an audience with either of the Bishops, please write 'ChosenApostleHearMyCry' at the top of your post.


~ To lodge a complaint against a Goat Poster, please enter '666' followed by the Goat Poster's name.


For all other inquiries, enter a text-message in the thread.


__________________________________________
Don't miss out! Abbot Wood and Bishop Johnson are now available by appointment for Personal Counseling and Group Therapy. Church teachings, approved lifestyles, dogma, Catholic cooking, and advances in liturgical philosophy are among the many exciting topics available for discussion.


YOUR ONLINE SOURCE FOR SPIRITUAL, POLITICAL, RHETORICAL, AND MEDIEVAL SUPPORT.

[Patriot]

Code Entry: 12 HOLY STONES


According to the book of Genesis, Adam was created directly from the dust of the earth. Does that mean, therefore, that he did not have a navel (belly button) since no umbilical cord had to be cut at his creation?

Thanks.

[Bishops' Secretary]

Dear Patriot:

Thank you for your inquiry. Archbishops Wood and Johnson are on leave for the weekend. However, in their absence I can provide a response based upon their two volume work titled, "Response to the Fool."

"The question is often asked whether or not Adam possessed a navel, as he was not cut from his mother's body. To be precise, Adam had no mother, but was born of the Earth, and of God's Divine Breath. That is whence the term, 'mother earth', is derived. Adam did not have a navel, but it is possible that he had a few sticks and stones which gradually became ribs and kidneys, at the behest of God's command".

See: "Response to the Fool", Volume 1, Chapter 1, page 112, Column 2, Paragraph 3.

[scrap]

"Ezekiel is not just a book of the Bible"

It doesn't matter to me if you are what you say you are.

Before I go any further tho is that a Coke dispenser I see in your waiting room?

When it comes to Prayer support I will speak up. Two of my Brother Marines were laid to rest recently from my general area. I was able to make the Services and Funeral for one of them but circumstances prevented me from attending the other.
Their names were Cpl. Brad D. Squires and LCpl. Thomas Keeling.
They both died in the service of their Country.
I would appreciate any and all Prayer support for them and their families from you and any of the other RantWeb contributors be they from the Left or Right.

Support for these brave Young Men and all the rest taken before their time should know no boundaries.

I thank any and all in of you in advance for your participation on this solemn occasion.

Mike

[Archbishop Johnson]

Dear Scrap,

You have been added to our Prayer list. We will ardently
raise your specified request before the alter of the Most High, every day for seven days in a row.


AB Johnson

PS: We only have a purified water-dispenser in our waiting room.

[groucho]

Forgive me Father, for I am a certain "cinder" anyway, but I just have to know ~ has your Lovely Secretary been made "permanent" yet?

If not, I'd humbly submit myself to do the Honors, seeing as how You can't Yourselves..........................

Unless you re-locate the Diocese to Douglas County, Nevada!!!


{Sorry about this - I've been reading too much about Hillary and 99 other unworthy souls recently - couldn't resist!!}

[Bishops' Secretary]

Dear Groucho:

I'm just a permanent ASSet in the work of our Lord, here to offer assistance in whatever ways necessary.

[groucho]

bishopssecretary said:

Dear Groucho:

I'm just a permanent ASSet in the work of our Lord, here to offer assistance in whatever ways necessary.

Dearest {hubba-hubba} Sweet {whutafox} Madame {I'd follow that a*s*s flag anywhere} Secretary; may I ask a favor?

Since I'm looking to bolster my "cinder insurance" policy, would you be so kind as to forward the following to the Fathers - as a surreptitious header on their next sermon? It would mean the world to me if you did; but I must apologze for offering you so little........

To wit (or "dig this," in my Native lingo) :

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.

He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know.

He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know.

He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.

Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"

"Oh, please help me, I am an old man, a carpenter by trade, in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."

"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."

"Father!!!!!" screams Jesus.

"Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man.




There's fair and balanced, and then there's fair and balanced...........................


















(until I show up on the scene, determined to let me trusty shotgun make the marriage........work) ;D

[scrap]

Just a quickie for the religious few.



One morning a man comes into
the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and
splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his
crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into
the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. Without
batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a
miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" "Flat on his
ass, Father, over by the holy water"

[midcan5]

Scrap, that joke has to be well over 30 years old ! too much, as far as the religious few my mother hated it and probably still does and she is the closest thing to a saint I ever met. The other version is 'he made the sign of the cross with his right hand and threw off his right crutch, then he made the sign of the cross with his left hand and threw off his left crutch, at this point the boy runs into the rectory.... you know the rest.

[scrap]

Well Midcan, you of all people should enjoy a joke from the past seeing as how all your posts seem to contain references from days gone by. ;D

[midcan5]

Scrap, so true, I must be getting old -lol. Actually today I saw a guy with a tee shirt with the big yellow spacer we used to use in 45s to play on a 33 turntable and I thought how many would recognize what that thing was?

Can't remember if you are a veteran or your (wife's) Dad but I am reading The age of extremes by Eric Hobsbawm and he calls the period from the end of wwII to the fall of Communist Russia as one of the greatest periods. So maybe I am not all wet. He starts with the craziness of wwI. Good book for conservatives (and liberals) as he paints a picture that describes how we got from here to there with some of the more interesting background motivations. The wars of the last century were like no other.

[Patriot]

Midcan writes:

Scrap... I Can't remember if you are a veteran or your (wife's) Dad

Now if that isn't an example of blind liberalism I don't know what is. All the dumb idiot had to do was look at Scrap's signature in the post directly above his own:

American by birth Conservative by nature and a Marine by choice "Semper Fi"

[midcan5]

As the kids say, my bad, I have read that often but hey sometimes even liberals aren't paying attention, mea culpa.

[Ian]

As the kids say midcan? Knowing you to not be one who is "in" with the times I assume you heard a kid utter that in one of your pornos???