Bishop Johnson's Daily Blessing

[scrap]

Quote,
And while many still live in poverty in America it is not nearly so bad as it once was due to the New Deal, the Great Society,

You really need to move into the modern era and stop spewing crap from so long ago that it has no relevance.

If you and the rest of your kind had your way we'd all be speaking Japanese or German.

Americas freedoms are enjoyed because of the sacrifices made by those willing to fight for the beliefs of this nation. They're are plenty of other Countries in this world also enjoying these Freedoms because of these same Men and Women.

Quote,
Americans strive for a better place and while the ranting of the ring wing attempt to push us back into darkness, the people of America realize that it is only in personal freedom and only in an attempt at justice for all, that America will survive, grow strong, and move forward. And so today in a country where everyone is deep down liberal

And just where do you think these personal Freedoms came from?
The lumps of Liberals sitting on their asses hoping all the bad things in the world will just go away.
Is Justice for all only for the fortunate few born in this Great Nation?
Get a grip on reality and join the real world.

[Archbishop Johnson]

Dear Flock,


I wasn't planning on offering a homily this day, yet, it would be contrary to the Divine Will to forego a blessing upon the new dawn-- Wednesday, to be precise.

Today marks the sixth day anniversary of this thread, and therefore deserves a special place in our remembrance, as God himself worked six days and rested on the Seventh. Shall I bring a homily on the seventh day, Thursday? Nay. For it is in keeping with Holy Intent that everyone abstain from work, after six days of hard labor.

As we enter this new year of Americana, let us enter it with an ardent, vigiliant, militant, and expectant attitude. These are the end times, my friends. We are on the apex of eternity. Can any nation endure forever? No. Only a nation which bows before the Lord, shall be made great.

Look throughout the world to see just how true that statement is. What Muslim, Hindu, or Buddhist nation has ever rivaled the technological or military power of a Christian nation? What non-Christian country can even lay claim to having ever been a "superpower"? Nary a one, my friends. It is an undeniable trend of history. The greatest nations, and the greatest empires, have been Christianized. The rest were brought lower than the dust, by those who acknowledged our great God and King, Jesus the Christ!

But the Lord's patience does not last forever. He has been known to abandon nations which have dishonored his name.

Yet he told Jonah he would spare Nineveh on account of a few righteous men and a few innocent animals. Hearken, therefore. We are the ones who must take up the cross on account of this nation. We all must be those "few righteous men" who shall avert the Lord's wrath from consuming the whole country. Now is not the time to lay the responsibility at the feet of others. Now is the time to realize that ours are the feet at which responsibility lies. Daily prayer, godly lifestyles, and preparation for the End is what is needed in this decadent age which glorifies Lucifer and mocks Jehovah.

[midcan5]

Midcan's curse for the day and many days:

A curse on starvation throughout the world

A curse on preventable deaths from common diseases throughout the world

A curse on all those who do not share their good fortune or only share if you share their point of view

A curse on corporations that make billions, evade taxes, exploit employees, and pollute the earth

A curse on the so called war in a Iraq a mistake that has cost too many lives

A curse on all those voters who only vote because of a single issue

A curse on cheney for his constant BS a sycophant who fills his coffers but never served

A curse on all those who exploit and ruin our environment

A curse on all our representatives who have health care but deny it to all Americans

A curse on our representatives who raise their wages but not minimum wage

a curse on CEOs who make millions as they move jobs overseas

A curse on all media who propagate lies to further themselves

A curse on the mixed up media too afraid to say the truth any longer

[ArchBishopWood]

A curse on those who partake in flagrant thread whorery!

Thou shall be struck down at the feet of the Lord shortly fool!

Curse you to Hell,

Abbot Wood

[Archbishop Johnson]

Dear Flock,

I am reminded again of how great our God is, and how inane-- and insane-- the Heathen truly are. The recent act of terrorism in London reiterates the irrational and violent tendencies of those who act outside the confines of civilization, and outside the confines of the Lord's word. We should give thanks for their crude works of horror because, not only do they trigger a more massive backlash by the collective West, but they also display the foolish and unreasonable attitude of those who embrace false gods.

The prophet Amos asked, "can two walk together, except they be agreed?" (Amos2:3). We cannot walk together, hand in hand, with the Muslim world. We are not agreed. What hath light to do with darkness, asked Paul. We in the West are not irrational and violent. We adhere to a system of checks and balances and reasoned discussion. Our enemies are naughty children with a bad temper-- throwing explosive toy blocks when they can't get their way.

I ask you-- are these the kind of people you want to relinquish the world to?

There are many who criticize us in the West, but their voices are nothing but a loud din of foolishness and falsehood. We have truth and reason on our side. The facts speak for themselves. Where was Al Quaeda when America put men on the moon? Where was Hesbollah when the Marine Corps was formed in 1775? Where, indeed, is the long history of military triumphs ascribed to any Arab army? Where are their long battle streamers?

As Christians and Americans, we laugh in the face of ignorance and idiocy. Those who wage war against the People of God, will deal with God himself. And those who wage war against a superpower, will deal with the backlash of a Giant. God himself decreed the destruction of those who partook in this latest act of terrorism in London. All the bombers were suicide-hitmen. Their lives are over and they will now stand before the judgment seat of Christ.

The psalmist reminds us so succinctly, "the heathen rage, and plot against the Lord's annointed". We are not in a new place. To the contrary we stand where any God-fearing group of people have stood throughout time-- in the line of fire. But remember, "a thousand shall fall by thy side, and ten thousand by thy right hand, yet it shall not come nigh thee".

[Archbishop Johnson]

Dear Friends,


It's hard to believe that nearly five years have passed since 9/11. Americans are concerned everywhere about security. How secure are our airports, our schools, our bridges, our borders? People ask me all the time, "Father Johnson, how has Rantweb Diocese taken measures to tighten its own security?" That's an interesting question, and one that I want to address in this issue of Daily Blessing.

If you think the Diocese has just been sitting around, perambulating in lost thought at this time of heightened concern, you're dead right! But, that's not all we've been doing.

Abbot Wood ordered a surveillance camera and, after nearly two weeks of studying the user's manual, coupled with an inordinate amount of prayer, he finally figured out how to turn on the power button after mounting the camera on the Parish wall. Since then, we have ordered three more of these cameras, and attached them to the four corners of the sanctuary. God sees you, and we see you.

Our lovely secretary goes through all the film, checking for what might be Eastern / Semitic / dark-skinned people in the audience. If we find any, we zoom in, real close, and take a still shot from the motion film. Then we fax the photo directly to the White House, where John Ashcroft's former henchmen pick up on any possible terrorist who dares to step inside our Parish.

It doesn't stop there. After Wednesday night vespers, Abbot Wood and myself take turns target-practicing with the double-barrelled, sawed-off "Shepherd's Shotgun", a gift to us from Cardinal Al Weiner. Currently we aim 16 guage solid slugs at old wine-cups we found in the Parish cellar. We fill the cups with the Devil's liquor and then blast the cups right off the alter in the sanctuary! Last week, we even thought we heard a divine roar of laughter (although it could have been the federal bulldozers which are currently over-running the townhouses behind our Parish.)

All that to say, our Church is ready to protect its own! The interesting thing is that the "Shepherd's Shotgun" is carried by either Abbot Wood or myself under our Black Robes each Sunday. No one knows who is actually carrying it. We've practiced drawing the shotgun just like Doc Holiday-- right from under our robes (as opposed to black Duster coats). Also, we have configured a trip-wire specially designed to set off a slew of arrows, positioned from the ceiling, aimed toward the door. If that doesn't stop the encroachers, a pot of bioling coffee rests on the shoulder of our 34 foot Saint Stephen the Martyr statue, 24 hours a day. Every night we position the statue, strategically, directly behind the main entrance. Anyone who enters the church without a key will be scalded by boiling coffee, which falls off Stephen's shoulder when the door slams against the statue.

Yes friends, we have it all under control.

[ArchBishopWood]

Don’t neglect to mention the "Jesuit Jujitsu" we practice every Thursday night in the parsonage. We shall fight as modern day Jephthahs for the Lord hath said:

"It is of respective bearing that a man be able to cave in the head of a heretic with his hand just as easily as with his staff"

I can assure you along with A.B. Johnson that your resilient rectors are training with all our holy might to fulfill that most important doctrine of our Father.



Abbot Wood

Gospel Gangsta

[midcan5]

Now that was funny, your church proceedings that is.

[ArchBishopWood]

Dear Faithful and (more importantly) Faithless,

In keeping with the dialogue on defense, I thought I would post a recent gif of me after one of our holy training sessions. I've bulked up a bit and feel fitter to defend the diocese against any and all heretics.

This ain't your father's church, as the kids say these days,

Abbot Wood

[scrap]

I thought your Daily Blessing could use something from the Lighter Side.

It was getting a little crowded
in Heaven, so God decided to change the Admittance Policy. The new law was that,
in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day you
died. The policy would go into effect promptly at
noon the next day. So, the
next day at 12:01 the first person arrived at the
gates of Heaven. The gatekeeper Angel, remembering the new policy, said
to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going
when you died." "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my
25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair - but
her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife,
half naked, was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just
as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed
a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran
out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.
Wouldn't you know it? He landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall,
and he didn't die. Now in a rage, I went back inside to get the first
thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I
thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony
and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The
excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost
instantly." The Angel thought for a moment. Technically, even tho it was
a crime of passion, the guy did have a bad day, so the Angel announced, "Okay,
sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of
Heaven!" and let him in. A few
seconds later, the next arrival, to the Angel's surprise, was Donald Trump! "Mr.
... Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was
like when you died." Trump said, "No problem - but you're not going to
believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
exercises. I'd been under a lot of pressure, so I was really pushing hard to
relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and fell over
the side. Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony
below mine, but, all of a sudden, this crazy man comes running out of his
apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well - of course I fell! I
hit some trees and bushes which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As
I'm lying there, face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain,
I see this lunatic push his refrigerator - of all things! - off the balcony. It
landed on top of me, killing me instantly." The Angel quietly laughed to
himself as Trump finished his story and thought "I could get used to this new
policy!" "Very well," the Angel announced. "Welcome to the
Kingdom of
Heaven," and he let Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton arrived at the gate. The Angel was
almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war poured through
the Angel's head. Finally he said, "Mr. . President, please - tell me what it
was like the day you died."
Clinton said, "Okay. Picture this. I'm
naked inside a refrigerator . .

[midcan5]

Scrap forgot the last lines

Anyway the angel exhausted now thought he has heard everything
when in comes Dub, oh no the angel thinks what now
and then with perfect lucidity, rare for Dub he mumbles
here i am watching the scenes in the city when out of the sky comes a refrigerator
darn it if that damn pretzel didn't just stick in my windpipe....

[midcan5]

Edit Dub = Dubya but you knew that. Someone want to Cheney? He has deferments for everything even death.

[Ian]

There's an modify button at the top right of your post.

Please don't litter your eminence's colloquium.