Post by ArchBishopJohnson on Mar 12, 2005 19:54:54 GMT -5
As Sunday approaches, I thought I'd offer a homily for those who take their spiritual care and feeding at Rant Web. This week's sermon, the Mooslim heresy.
Most members of this, our beloved congregation at Saint Dawg Diocese, have never seen a Mooslim in person. You've seen them on the news, blowing up buildings, and in movies, stealing babies and killing Christians. I've seen a few of these so-called "people," up close when I've visited the Holy Land. You don't want to get too close, because they don't use deodorant and they sweat garlic. It's not pleasant. And they're just plain mean to everyone. What I will discuss in this sermon are the beliefs of Islamiacs. Their jaded history, their false idol "Allah" and his son, Moohummad, and their Hell-wrought quest for vengeance against the true God who rightfully cut them out of their eternal inheritance.
Everyone knows the story of Abram. If you don't, then read Genesis chapters 12-22. God promised Abram his own country. The only problem was that Abram didn't have a son. He might not have cared about it much, but his wife, Sa'rai, knew that by God's law, her husband's earthly possessions would go to the head servant if there weren't no kids around. She got worried and forgot God's promise to her husband, and in a fit of desperation, she offered up her Egyptian servant, Hagar to, Abram. Hagar got jealous of Sa'rai after having sexual relations with Abram, as women are wont to do. Sa'rai saw this, and with Abram's blessing, she kicked the harlot out of the house. Turns out Hagar had a son. It is this son, and all of his descendants that are causing most of the problems in the world today. His name was Ishmael, and he was the first towel-head, or to use a politically correct term, A-rab. God told Hagar in Genesis 16:10-12, "And he will be a wild man; his hand will be against every man, and every man's hand against him." Ishmael was to father powerful nations, but none of his descendants would be allowed to go to Heaven after they died. They were born bad.
The real treat came when Abram was 90-years old and he circumcised himself with a sharp stone. That made his penis pure enough to get through to Sa'rai and produce a real son named Isaac. God told him he was to cut at the penises of every descendant born through Sa'rai if he wanted his family to be blessed on Earth and go to Heaven after they died. It would still have been mandatory for all of us today to cut off our penises if Paul didn't come along and tell us it was just an option. I suggest you do so, if you haven't already. It adds a nice Old Testament touch.
Let's jump forward a few thousand years. The descendants of Ishmael are running around in the desert worshipping all kinds of gods. Old Lucifer got it into his big red head that he could unite all of these idol-worshipping towel-heads under Allah. He did this by appearing to a person that was already very upset that God wasn't going to let him go to heaven just because he was a descendent of Ishmael. That feller's name was Moohammad. Demons helped him write a book called, "the Ko-ran," which is basically an instruction manual on how to kill anyone who doesn't worship the moon. Now we have entire countries of God-hating moon-worshippers shooting everyone out of jealousy, just because God isn't going to let them go to Heaven. Why, it's even got so twisted up that nowadays, these Mooslims (moon worshippers) think that they are the ones going to Heaven and everyone else is going to Hell. It's a shame that none of them can read English. If they did, they could open up a King James Bible and find out that God had it out for them from day one. The only way for them to avoid Hell is to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. And it doesn't look like that's going to happen anytime soon, because the minute you start running your mouth about Jesus being the Son of God, they shoot you dead.
Friends, people look at us and laugh. Did you know that? They think we are old-fashioned, and that we make up stories about Hell to scare people. It is very upsetting to have someone laugh in your face when you are trying to explain to them that if they don't return Christ's love and accept Him as their personal savior that they are going to be tortured and have all of the flesh burnt off their body every day for all of eternity in a literal lake of fire. So upsetting in fact, that when witnessing to an unsaved Mooslim the other day, I responded to his laughter by saying, "I can't wait to see you burn in Hell!" He was taken aback, and quite shocked. I used this opportunity to witness even more. I said, "You won't be laughing when you see demons using your testicles as ping-pong balls." I lit into him about how Mooslims are spitting in the face of Christ by raising babies to be serial killers. I told him that I was never going to share the gospel with him again. "I have been sharing the gospel with you for nearly 15 years," I said. "There are others out there who don't even get to hear it 1,000 times." Then I explained to him that I would be the one laughing at him when he was burning in Hell. "I can't wait to see the look of surprise on your face as Jesus drop-kicks you off the cliff of glory into the lake of fire!" I exclaimed.
Praise God, Mooslims are darned to heck.
Now, will the ushers please come forward.
Most members of this, our beloved congregation at Saint Dawg Diocese, have never seen a Mooslim in person. You've seen them on the news, blowing up buildings, and in movies, stealing babies and killing Christians. I've seen a few of these so-called "people," up close when I've visited the Holy Land. You don't want to get too close, because they don't use deodorant and they sweat garlic. It's not pleasant. And they're just plain mean to everyone. What I will discuss in this sermon are the beliefs of Islamiacs. Their jaded history, their false idol "Allah" and his son, Moohummad, and their Hell-wrought quest for vengeance against the true God who rightfully cut them out of their eternal inheritance.
Everyone knows the story of Abram. If you don't, then read Genesis chapters 12-22. God promised Abram his own country. The only problem was that Abram didn't have a son. He might not have cared about it much, but his wife, Sa'rai, knew that by God's law, her husband's earthly possessions would go to the head servant if there weren't no kids around. She got worried and forgot God's promise to her husband, and in a fit of desperation, she offered up her Egyptian servant, Hagar to, Abram. Hagar got jealous of Sa'rai after having sexual relations with Abram, as women are wont to do. Sa'rai saw this, and with Abram's blessing, she kicked the harlot out of the house. Turns out Hagar had a son. It is this son, and all of his descendants that are causing most of the problems in the world today. His name was Ishmael, and he was the first towel-head, or to use a politically correct term, A-rab. God told Hagar in Genesis 16:10-12, "And he will be a wild man; his hand will be against every man, and every man's hand against him." Ishmael was to father powerful nations, but none of his descendants would be allowed to go to Heaven after they died. They were born bad.
The real treat came when Abram was 90-years old and he circumcised himself with a sharp stone. That made his penis pure enough to get through to Sa'rai and produce a real son named Isaac. God told him he was to cut at the penises of every descendant born through Sa'rai if he wanted his family to be blessed on Earth and go to Heaven after they died. It would still have been mandatory for all of us today to cut off our penises if Paul didn't come along and tell us it was just an option. I suggest you do so, if you haven't already. It adds a nice Old Testament touch.
Let's jump forward a few thousand years. The descendants of Ishmael are running around in the desert worshipping all kinds of gods. Old Lucifer got it into his big red head that he could unite all of these idol-worshipping towel-heads under Allah. He did this by appearing to a person that was already very upset that God wasn't going to let him go to heaven just because he was a descendent of Ishmael. That feller's name was Moohammad. Demons helped him write a book called, "the Ko-ran," which is basically an instruction manual on how to kill anyone who doesn't worship the moon. Now we have entire countries of God-hating moon-worshippers shooting everyone out of jealousy, just because God isn't going to let them go to Heaven. Why, it's even got so twisted up that nowadays, these Mooslims (moon worshippers) think that they are the ones going to Heaven and everyone else is going to Hell. It's a shame that none of them can read English. If they did, they could open up a King James Bible and find out that God had it out for them from day one. The only way for them to avoid Hell is to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. And it doesn't look like that's going to happen anytime soon, because the minute you start running your mouth about Jesus being the Son of God, they shoot you dead.
Friends, people look at us and laugh. Did you know that? They think we are old-fashioned, and that we make up stories about Hell to scare people. It is very upsetting to have someone laugh in your face when you are trying to explain to them that if they don't return Christ's love and accept Him as their personal savior that they are going to be tortured and have all of the flesh burnt off their body every day for all of eternity in a literal lake of fire. So upsetting in fact, that when witnessing to an unsaved Mooslim the other day, I responded to his laughter by saying, "I can't wait to see you burn in Hell!" He was taken aback, and quite shocked. I used this opportunity to witness even more. I said, "You won't be laughing when you see demons using your testicles as ping-pong balls." I lit into him about how Mooslims are spitting in the face of Christ by raising babies to be serial killers. I told him that I was never going to share the gospel with him again. "I have been sharing the gospel with you for nearly 15 years," I said. "There are others out there who don't even get to hear it 1,000 times." Then I explained to him that I would be the one laughing at him when he was burning in Hell. "I can't wait to see the look of surprise on your face as Jesus drop-kicks you off the cliff of glory into the lake of fire!" I exclaimed.
Praise God, Mooslims are darned to heck.
Now, will the ushers please come forward.
