Post by Slicer on Aug 30, 2004 23:28:24 GMT -5
First things first: Telemarketers are scum. The two words may be used interchangeably; the word 'scum' is both singular and plural.
The Environment
When you think 'telemarketing shop', what comes to mind might be an office building filled with people with headsets, or possibly some rented office space in a ventilated building somewhere, with orderly cubicles in neat rows, well-trained salespeople all connected to the Internet and with extensive product information at their fingertips, serving a targeted range of people that they have some reason to believe might be interested in their products.
Wrong. Dead wrong. Here's the reality. Despite my vivid imagination, I am not making *ANY* of this up.
The entire operation is done in a couple of adjoining warehouses in the middle of a business park, with an office-like front entrance that the scum isn't allowed to enter through.
Overhead, a handful of too-small fans operate at max speed, providing a laughable semblance of air conditioning, just below the aluminum-lined insulation and bare wood. The carpet is stained so badly it needs to be industrially cleaned, but if you think the company's going to pay for that, you're out of your *censored*ing mind. The walls are a dirty white, with peeling paint, messily-attached computer cables, and notices in very bad English admonishing the scum to keep the microwave clean, keep the bathroom door locked, punch a timecard or pay a fine, and other such kindergarten reprimands. Strangely enough, the vending machines are generally cheaper in the break room than at other companies. The coffee tastes like liquefied dogcrap. The computers are ancient Windows 98 pieces of junk running poorly-programmed software, not even worth stealing; this is good for the company, because there is next to no physical security. There are no cameras, and possibly not even an alarm system. This is true for both the warehouse itself and the scum's phone box on its side (which is clearly labeled Qwest). On a completely unrelated note, thermite can burn all the way through a solid engine block..
About half of the scum smoke; they do so right outside the warehouse, with its little door wide open and its big delivery door partially raised. The fumes from still-smoldering cigarette butts tossed into a cheap metal bucket drifts under the big door, irritating the scum who don't smoke. The scum who do must stay in that area, however; this is because one of the misspelled, mis-capitalized notices reminds the scum that they are not allowed to loiter around the rest of the office park, because its other denizens dislike the scum's appearance, behavior, vocal loudness, and foul language.
There is no targeted marketing at all. This is the telephone equivalent of spam. Phone numbers seem to be taken fairly much at random, selling automotive glass to people who don't even have cars. Scum is perfectly capable of irritating three ordinary human beings a minute, due to the fact that people usually immediately hang up on it. Hang-up calls are simply labeled 'not interested' and rotated back into your system. If you want off their list, you have to ask for specifically that!
An important thing to understand is that the scum is *never* calling from who it says its company is. Half of the time the company's changed its name multiple times, and hides behind layers of names. Even the scum itself might not know just who it's really working for. If you thought inbound call centers were bad (Google for the MSN Tech Support SAQ), you've barely begun to understand this atrocity.
General Tips
Use as much disrespect as you want! Remember, scum is SCUM! Be creative! Cut loose! Feel free to use as much profanity, threats, etc as you damn well please! They're *not* actually going to call the police, even if they threaten it. At the same time as you're using profanity, be polite. Use words like "Please" and "thank you" along with " *censored*" and "crap". This *censored*s their thought processes (such as they are) up.
Although it shouldn't be allowed the privilege of having one, use the scum's name. Be as personal as you can.
Things like reverse sales, pretending to be crazy, etc are fun, but they make the scum laugh. You don't want it to laugh. You want it to CRY!
Never, ever hang up on scum! Make it hang up on YOU. This disrupts its rhythm.
Waste their time, if you have it of your own to waste. Be slow. Make them repeat themselves, over and over again, and then hand off the phone to someone else who's being just as slow.
Pretend to be interested. Get their hopes up. Make them think they've got a sale (they're on commission). Give detailed (but false!) information when asked. Remember, they don't know who you are! Possibly, you might go to a secondary scum, a 'closer', whose time is presumably more valuable. That person is not expecting a vulgarity attack- GO FOR IT!
If you got a scum of the opposite sex and you didn't use sexist profanity, shame on you! You didn't do it right! The same applies to scum of different races. Be as racist as you possibly can! This is your chance to get back at the scumbags calling you. Take it!
The Do Not Call list: ALWAYS tell scum you've been on the Do Not Call list (www.donotcall.gov) for at least four months, *even if you haven't*. The reason for the four-month delay is because it's illegal for them to call you after you've been on it for three. Then demand the scum's last name, and threaten to file a complaint unless you get a written apology from THAT particular scum, not the company. This works especially well if you've just used sexist and racist profanity- you've cussed it out in the most violating way possible, and then demanded a written apology from it for the privilege! Of course, if you actually HAVE been on the list that long, make sure you get the name and phone number of the company at the beginning of the call, and file a complaint at www.donotcall.gov immediately no matter what else you say to the scum. And if you're not on the list, get there ASAP- unless, of course, you like *censored*ing around with scum for the fun of it.
The absolutely ideal conversation goes like this:
Scum: This is Jack calling for Arrow Auto Glass, offering to repair your windshield at little to no cost. Do you have any damaged glass on your vehicle?
Bob: Hello, Jack, this is Bob, and you called at just the right time. I've just had my car vandalized and I've got four broken windows. I've got full coverage insurance, and I was just about to look for someone to repair it. First I want to know your company's name and telephone number so I don't forget it, though.
Jack: (gives it)
Bob: Okay, now let's see about getting that glass replaced.
Jack (thinking 'Yes!'): What's the make and model of your car?
Bob: A 1998 Buick LeSabre (or other random car).
Jack: Okay, just a moment while I transfer you to a representative.
(Bob uses the moment to go to www.donotcall.gov and file a complaint)
LaTisha: Hello, this is Latisha, you have a 98 Buick LeSabre?
Bob: Hello, LaTisha, you jigaboo *censored*! I just wanted you to know that I've been on the Do Not Call list for more than four months now, and unless I get a two-paragraph written apology, co-signed by both you and Jack, within the next week, I'm going to file a formal complaint with the FTC and have your company fined ten thousand dollars. So if you could please email, fax, or mail that over to me as soon as possible, that'd be great.
LaTisha: (shocked silence)
And now you know.
The Environment
When you think 'telemarketing shop', what comes to mind might be an office building filled with people with headsets, or possibly some rented office space in a ventilated building somewhere, with orderly cubicles in neat rows, well-trained salespeople all connected to the Internet and with extensive product information at their fingertips, serving a targeted range of people that they have some reason to believe might be interested in their products.
Wrong. Dead wrong. Here's the reality. Despite my vivid imagination, I am not making *ANY* of this up.
The entire operation is done in a couple of adjoining warehouses in the middle of a business park, with an office-like front entrance that the scum isn't allowed to enter through.
Overhead, a handful of too-small fans operate at max speed, providing a laughable semblance of air conditioning, just below the aluminum-lined insulation and bare wood. The carpet is stained so badly it needs to be industrially cleaned, but if you think the company's going to pay for that, you're out of your *censored*ing mind. The walls are a dirty white, with peeling paint, messily-attached computer cables, and notices in very bad English admonishing the scum to keep the microwave clean, keep the bathroom door locked, punch a timecard or pay a fine, and other such kindergarten reprimands. Strangely enough, the vending machines are generally cheaper in the break room than at other companies. The coffee tastes like liquefied dogcrap. The computers are ancient Windows 98 pieces of junk running poorly-programmed software, not even worth stealing; this is good for the company, because there is next to no physical security. There are no cameras, and possibly not even an alarm system. This is true for both the warehouse itself and the scum's phone box on its side (which is clearly labeled Qwest). On a completely unrelated note, thermite can burn all the way through a solid engine block..
About half of the scum smoke; they do so right outside the warehouse, with its little door wide open and its big delivery door partially raised. The fumes from still-smoldering cigarette butts tossed into a cheap metal bucket drifts under the big door, irritating the scum who don't smoke. The scum who do must stay in that area, however; this is because one of the misspelled, mis-capitalized notices reminds the scum that they are not allowed to loiter around the rest of the office park, because its other denizens dislike the scum's appearance, behavior, vocal loudness, and foul language.
There is no targeted marketing at all. This is the telephone equivalent of spam. Phone numbers seem to be taken fairly much at random, selling automotive glass to people who don't even have cars. Scum is perfectly capable of irritating three ordinary human beings a minute, due to the fact that people usually immediately hang up on it. Hang-up calls are simply labeled 'not interested' and rotated back into your system. If you want off their list, you have to ask for specifically that!
An important thing to understand is that the scum is *never* calling from who it says its company is. Half of the time the company's changed its name multiple times, and hides behind layers of names. Even the scum itself might not know just who it's really working for. If you thought inbound call centers were bad (Google for the MSN Tech Support SAQ), you've barely begun to understand this atrocity.
General Tips
Use as much disrespect as you want! Remember, scum is SCUM! Be creative! Cut loose! Feel free to use as much profanity, threats, etc as you damn well please! They're *not* actually going to call the police, even if they threaten it. At the same time as you're using profanity, be polite. Use words like "Please" and "thank you" along with " *censored*" and "crap". This *censored*s their thought processes (such as they are) up.
Although it shouldn't be allowed the privilege of having one, use the scum's name. Be as personal as you can.
Things like reverse sales, pretending to be crazy, etc are fun, but they make the scum laugh. You don't want it to laugh. You want it to CRY!
Never, ever hang up on scum! Make it hang up on YOU. This disrupts its rhythm.
Waste their time, if you have it of your own to waste. Be slow. Make them repeat themselves, over and over again, and then hand off the phone to someone else who's being just as slow.
Pretend to be interested. Get their hopes up. Make them think they've got a sale (they're on commission). Give detailed (but false!) information when asked. Remember, they don't know who you are! Possibly, you might go to a secondary scum, a 'closer', whose time is presumably more valuable. That person is not expecting a vulgarity attack- GO FOR IT!
If you got a scum of the opposite sex and you didn't use sexist profanity, shame on you! You didn't do it right! The same applies to scum of different races. Be as racist as you possibly can! This is your chance to get back at the scumbags calling you. Take it!
The Do Not Call list: ALWAYS tell scum you've been on the Do Not Call list (www.donotcall.gov) for at least four months, *even if you haven't*. The reason for the four-month delay is because it's illegal for them to call you after you've been on it for three. Then demand the scum's last name, and threaten to file a complaint unless you get a written apology from THAT particular scum, not the company. This works especially well if you've just used sexist and racist profanity- you've cussed it out in the most violating way possible, and then demanded a written apology from it for the privilege! Of course, if you actually HAVE been on the list that long, make sure you get the name and phone number of the company at the beginning of the call, and file a complaint at www.donotcall.gov immediately no matter what else you say to the scum. And if you're not on the list, get there ASAP- unless, of course, you like *censored*ing around with scum for the fun of it.
The absolutely ideal conversation goes like this:
Scum: This is Jack calling for Arrow Auto Glass, offering to repair your windshield at little to no cost. Do you have any damaged glass on your vehicle?
Bob: Hello, Jack, this is Bob, and you called at just the right time. I've just had my car vandalized and I've got four broken windows. I've got full coverage insurance, and I was just about to look for someone to repair it. First I want to know your company's name and telephone number so I don't forget it, though.
Jack: (gives it)
Bob: Okay, now let's see about getting that glass replaced.
Jack (thinking 'Yes!'): What's the make and model of your car?
Bob: A 1998 Buick LeSabre (or other random car).
Jack: Okay, just a moment while I transfer you to a representative.
(Bob uses the moment to go to www.donotcall.gov and file a complaint)
LaTisha: Hello, this is Latisha, you have a 98 Buick LeSabre?
Bob: Hello, LaTisha, you jigaboo *censored*! I just wanted you to know that I've been on the Do Not Call list for more than four months now, and unless I get a two-paragraph written apology, co-signed by both you and Jack, within the next week, I'm going to file a formal complaint with the FTC and have your company fined ten thousand dollars. So if you could please email, fax, or mail that over to me as soon as possible, that'd be great.
LaTisha: (shocked silence)
And now you know.